GALA THIRTIETH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE
THE PIG PAPER©*??
,©1987 PIG PRODI JTIONS
H.70 Cotton Driue t Wississauga, Ontario, Canada L5G 1Z9
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ARTICLE (publish or perish)
DON'T KNOCK THE XNACK
ie Pig Shirt
People tal-cing about the great R&R bands of the 70s invariably fail to
appreciate the meteoric career of one of the XX greatest, the Knack. Now I've
barely started this article and I can already hear you derisively hooting,
"The Knacki YouSre crazy — they were over-hyped, derivitive and misogynists."
If ell, you're right. But what band in the last 10 years hasn't been guilty of 1
or all of the aforementioned? Most people only remember the Knaci for their splen-
did 45 "My Shauona'', at % #1 for 5 weeks in July and August 1979. This has crea-
ted a remembrance of then as one of the worst of the skinny-tie newave band3.
WBONGI Of their 3 LPs, "Get the Knack" is 40 minutes of pure pop pleasure,
"But The Little Girls Understand" contains the super single "Baby Talks Dirty",
and XXXX "Hound Trip" houses the hilarious "Art War" and "Boys Go Crazy", their
deep message songs, with different musical styles even!
Now where were you when this great band was trying to make it? Listening to
your Eagles greatest hits, Linda Honstadt and Peter Frampton tapes?" X I thought
so. All you ju3twatch, time will prove me right. In 10 or 15 years the Knack
will be fondly remembered and you'll be looking for the LPs in vain, while I
put them, by now collectors items, on my turntable and sigh with pleasure.
What's a fat pialc pig doing on a classic polo snirt?
Causing alligator tears, for one thing. 100% soft combed
cotton, banded sleeves and extra long tennis tail for
superlative fit. Piggy pink, navy or white. Men's S(34-36),
M(38-40), L(42-44), XL(46-48). Omen's S(6-8),
M(10-12), L(14-16).$26ppd. $1 for catalog.
tiDglDlldl^e pig store
Faneuil Hall,199 Friend St., Boston, MA 02114 (617>523-Piq t
Dial P-t-G For Murder
byStua ;% Mark Laba
THE STORY SO FAR: This issue, as a special treat, we present a dramatis personae'. Frank Plastino —
Found dead pig on road, was thrown in jaii for pig-murder, released, & is presently being sought by cult
groups which believe he'll lead them to the Divine Pig. Ed Neville— Shady real estate agent, leader of Divine
Resurrection of the Reluctant Astronaut, believes pig is alien saviour. Carla Plastino— Frank's beloved wife,
mother of EUle Plastino, adorable Plastino child. Rancher Bob Philbert— Noted sausageer. Dan
Imbis— Ed's henchman, along with The Toaster (wooden teeth). Emma Hawks— Gazette reporter,
covering Plastino pig case & subsequent cult murders. Barb— Emma's lover, TV journalist Ezekial
McGuane — Gazette editor. Sergeant Zeno— Police chief, leader of Omnipotent Millenium of the Advent of
the Pork, believes pig is organic microfilm (though we haven't explained that yet).
Kt'S SO A??9£OATt)/£j 5 tfE'S ^o T /
AND UNDERSTflfJWWG, J ■£ CAN TELL
tEEUH&S.jrf f sue mr s IT 8AD ;
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► HE'S 50 SHEET AtiD
SENSIT/VC £ V£N 17/0
H£ KNOWS I WOUIDN'T
HWC SEX WITH H'/H iFj'
he WEffe -rwc last
Crawlin' Ed's L.A. BLUES HOG REPORT §4
Crawispace? My combo: Crawispace. Yeah. I don't wanna talk about
it except to say that Jon's out (never was really in), and I don't know
who the rest of us are— not in any stable sense. But we are finally seriously
getting ready to record. Is it a band or is it conceptual art? Maybe just
a concept anyhow. Or maybe just a con. I won't say another word— the
proof will be in the plastic.
Listening/digging: Sun Ra & the Arkestra recently made their second
stop in less than a year at Club Lingerie. ! hope they keep coming back
every few months, because it's like the "soul cleansing" Keith Kowgirl
and I attempt a couple times a year, only without chemicals. The Arkestra
blow their way clean through my head, and at least for a few hours out
goes all the residue of too much R&R and beer, too many burgers, tele-
vision O.D.. pent-up anger and frustration. Phil AJvin also did a nice set
of country blues before Sun Ra came on.
Drunk & "eating'Vnot right: And speaking of soul cleansing, I sure
didn't get my brain right this time. As an alternative to our usual acidic
fry—due mainly to a lack of supply, attributed to Jerry Garcia's illness
causing a cancellation of the Grateful Dead's Southern California appear-
ances and thus decreasing demand by their hordes of fans (I'm not kid-
ding!)— Keith and I ate a bunch of supposedly psychedelic 'shrooms instead.
1 was already well soaked in brew, but it still sucked. About the time I
felt like I was finally coming on, I was actually peaking. I woke up the
next morning, my soul still tarnished. What a shame.
Sober & bored, man! 1 really like the Bangles new video— the one
about walkin' like an Egyptian or whatever it is. Much better than their
Prince song. But I read somewhere that Sue Hoffs has been hanging around
with Elvis Costello. Ugh! And don't tell anybody, but I think Eurythmics'
"Missionary Man" video is actually okay, and I've always hated those limeys.
This, though, has spooky lyrics, ^eh^ visuals, soulful backing vocals, and
a hot harmonica solo. On the other hand, the new Dream Syndicate video
is boring. 1 hate MTV sooo much, but I sure do watch too much of it.
Sound is my salvation. In the way of sounds connecting with ears,
I really dig the Vom tape I just got from Metal Mike. Vom was a combo
that boasted Richard Meltzer and* Gregg Turner on vocals, Metal Mike
on drums, and nobodies on guitars and bass. They got together in late
77 and played for about half a year before Meltzer decided it was too
much work and quit. Mike and Gregg, of course, went on to form the
legendary Angry Samoans. Anyway, the Vom ape that recently surfaced
was recorded live at the Whisky in 78— real nice sound quality. The high-
light is a version of the Doors' "My Eyes Have Seen You" that reminds
of of Lester Bangs' "Let It Blurt" single. 1 also like the Flaming Lips' new
LP on Enigma. It's a beaut. The German Shepherds' Music for Sick Queers
is another fave. especially "THC." If you see it, buy it. It's real noisy and
paranoid and depraved. Also hotter'n shit: Death of Samantha's Strungout
on Jargon and the Angry Samoans' Yesterday Started Tomorrow (out on PVC
any second now).
And TV: low
1 . Sledge Hammer!
3. SCTV reruns
4. Sam Kinison on anything
5. Larry King
6. En Vivo ("Spanglish" video show)
7. Late Night with Larry "Bud" Meiman
8. Square Pegs reruns
9. The Story of English (educational!?)
1 0. Roky Erickson videotape
The other LAS. Uh. that is, my newsletter. By the time Gary gets
this into one of his fab Pig issues, the first offset edition of my
newsletter/iine will be off the presses. It's crammed full of reviews of
records, fanzines, books, movies, comix, and TV stuff. If you're interested,
send a buck (American moolah only) to: Eddie Flowers, P.O. Box 1373,
Culver City, CA 90232, USA.
r f^KlTHE CHURCH OF THE 39* HAMBUROER
ll—jiT/ POST OFFICE BOX 1385
1 TROY. MICHIGAN 43099-1385
Snacks On Wax
(not a comprehensive or well-researched list)
Food Songs J
Food - The Takeaways (Bunch Of Stiffs)
Let's Eat - Nick Lowe's Last Chicken in the Shop (Live Stiffs)
Dog Food - Iggy Pop (Soldier)
Cat Food - King Crimson (In the Wake of Poseidon)
Life Is a Hinestrone - lOcc (The Original Soundtrack)
Potato Chip - The Shadows of Knight (Pebbles, Vol. 1)
Eggs - Martin Mull (Martin Mull)
Savoy Truffle - The Beatles (The Beatles, a.k.a. the white album)
Cheesies And Gum - Martha and the Muffins (Metro Music)
also listen to Allan Sherman, B-£2s, Weird Al Yankovic
Food Album Covers: _
Let It Bleed - Rolling Stones
The Who Sell Out - The Who
The Velvet Underground With Nico
Food Artists' Names:
Sex Girls - Gleaming Spires demonstrate how to make
pie and coffee.
Food, Record Disguised As:
No Wave... To Go (picture-diac pizza)
Not About Food:
I Need Lunch, Caught with the Meat in lour Mouth - Dead Boys
(Toung, Loud, And Snotty)
Pasties and a G-String (not about meat pies and guitars),
Bad Liver and a Broken Heart (not a dinner of organ meats)
- Tom Waits -(Small Change)
Semolina - The Residents (Buster And Glen) at least, 1 don 1 ^
think it's about food.
Hamburger Lady - Throbbing Gristle (D. o. A.)
WANT A PRESS CARD?
YOSSARIAN UNIVERSAL (YU)
News Service, the world's only satiric
news and disinformation syndicate,
invites you to own an official YU
PRESS CARD— the only press card
being issued to anyone who applies
for one: A professional-size, lamina-
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photo, with lapel dip and YU press
button. Only $10. To get yours, sim-
ply send a check or money order and
any headshot photo (passport or
matchbook size), to: YU News Ser-
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94030-0234 Join the parody: Com-
municate with YU!
blame Any Salyer
Swine can live 15 years, but the
vast majority never see past six
months. That's about how long it
takes to turn a tiny piglet into a 105-
kilogram hog ready for market.
To stare into the eyes of a four-
month-old pig destined for the
slaughterhouse is to peer deep into
the recesses of the most existential
creature in the animal kingdom.
These pigs know. Yet they choose to
live out their days with dignity and
PIG PR OD
in crime detection
HUDESHEIM, West Germany
(Reuter) — West German police
have pioneered a new four-footed
weapon for the fight against
crime — * a pig named Louise.
Her mentor, Inspector Werner
Franke, says she can outdo any
dog in sniffing out narcotics,
explosives and other aromatic
contraband, and can keep on
working in intense heat long after
police dogs have given up.
And whereas dogs are easily dis-
tracted by other noises and smells,
Louise is not swayed from her
task. "She is very sensitive but she
has nerves like steel wire,"
Louise holds the official rank of
SWS, the German abbreviation for
"Schnuffelwildschwein" or "sniff-
ing wild boar."
Are You A
t . "COELECANTH" by DEJA VOODOO
exemplary fish rock from their 22-cut Q<y album "Swamp Of Love" available by
writing ASAP only to Box 182. Station "F". Montreal, Quebec, Canada H3J 2L1
2."FRAGILE MAN" by MENDELSON JOE
Canada's premier Letter-to-the-Editor-writer' s seventh (officially released
solo) album, only $25 (Canadian) from 138 Oasington, Toronto, Ont . M6J 2Z5!
3 . "ROLLERCOASTER" by SPACEMEN 3
for these 4 more sounds-o-conf usion to go walkin with Jesus by by way o'the
Jesus and Iggy Chain, write 207 Railway Terrace, Rugby CV21 3HU England NOW
4. "IT CAME FROM CANADA, VOLUME TWO" from OG RECORDS
E.J.Brule, Guilt Parade, ft 13 more cool bands 4 songs I (see #1 for address)
5. "BEST WISHES". by JAD FAIR
One-quarter Japanese takes on Mancini, Mantovani and McCartney at their own
game... and WINS! (from Iridescence, P.O.Box 3556, Culver City. CA. 90230.)
6 . "FOLLOW YOUR FOOTSTEPS" by JANDEK
the baker's dozenth in the on-going saga from Box 1 53 7 5, Houston, Texas 77020
7. "BIRTHDAY PRESENT" THE STONY PLAIN TENTH ANNIVERSARY SAMPLER
The Persuasions, Sir Douglas Quintet, Buckwheat Zydeco 4 32 more cool bands
4 songs from Holger Petersen's label (Box 861, Edmonton. Alberta, T5J 2L8 . )
8. "KILL FOR PEACE. . .AGAIN" by TULI KUPFERBERG
Strolling Dog Vanity Press newsprint sequel to the fab Fug semi-hit off ESP
Disk #1028, available from 160 Sixth Avenue. New York. New York 10013 Today
9 . "RUMBLE AT THE LOVE-IN" by THE CHUD
Cannibalistic Humanoid (paisley) Underground Dwelling on bat-rock(Holy Fuzz
Boxes!) c/o Twang Records. Birkbuschstr . 47, 1000 Berlin 41. Western Germany
1 . "UNDERSTAND" by DIRTY FACE
Buzz Magazine proudly presents this promising combo's first outing in disc,
only from Dominick Caaipana Jr., c/o 71 Grand Street. Albany, New York 12202
Fatherly authority figure, sgj hndsm 6' ,42, seeks
Daddy's special naughty girf18-3Q. Bo#897 Stn
K Tor M4P 2H2 .
VD PIG PEN
Obedient discreet attr schoolboy/girl sks
punishm. teacher details to Sox 108 2900 War-
den Av Scarb M1W-2S8 :
Take this simple te9t and see
I am in constant telepathic communication with household appliances .
I find hidden meanings in Saturday morning cartoons and beer com-
Sometimes it feels like my brain is going to explode.
I treat Jello as an intelligent life form, just In case.
Whenever I take prescription drugs I have an irresistible urge to
operate heavy machinery.
T have sexual fantasies involving the characters from "Family Affair"
I know that everything will be allright once the saucers land.
My favorite pastime is frying insects with a magnifying glass.
I think tossing midgets for distance should be an Olympic event.
Sometimes X 3° without sleep for days at a time just for the "high".
Late at night I call people I don't know and hang up when they
When I was little I crossed my fingers when I said the Pledge of Al-
I'm at a loss for words when people ask me "How's it going?"
I often wonder if I'm the subject of secret government mind control
I love the sound of breaking glass.
Tiny people live inside my television set.
J""") f"~| Sometimes I just want to kill and kill and kill.
If you answered "Yes" to ANY of the above, Congratulations! You're one of us.
If you answered "No" to ALL of the above, sorry. You're definitely PINK and
will have to suffer accordingly.